Fucking Fat Fuck fucks up first fucking Goal

The Red Lions finally stopped their losing streak after a hard-fought 1-1 draw with the Black Stars on Sunday. Captain “Oh Captain My Captain” Cooke welcomed all 12 Red Lions players to the pitch before buggering off to “work” for the second week in succession.

Struggling for numbers once more, unlike their opponents, the Red Lions were hard pushed all the way in this game, with Mao back in the squad after his early morning return from Down Under. Having said that, given his performance in the first half, many (i.e. all) of the other Lions will have no doubt wished he had either stayed there or at least had the decency to miss his flight.

TB – for some reason unknown to mankind – took it upon himself to talk tactics, and call the substitute. Given the fact that there was but one sub, it was a task that would not even tax the most mentally retarded on apes. TB was therefore the ideal candidate for this assignment.

For the record, the Lions lined up with your humble chronicler in goal, with Jaime, Charles, Morten and Mirko at the back, Clovis, Fred, Christian, Volker and Tomassini in midfield, and Panda all on his ownsome up front. Mike was on the bench.

The game started, and was without incident for the first 5 minutes until a ball was played up front by the Black Stars and Fowler – inexplicably – decided to come for it, then stop, then come for it again despite the defensive calls for him to stay put. It could be said that Fowler was actually closer to Penghu than he was to the ball, as the attacker zipped wide, then slotted the ball in from a narrow angle, despite Jaime’s valiant attempts at keeping the ball out.

Fowler was not the only Lion’s player looking bereft of competence. Clovis was looking a little out of practice, picking up a yellow for a very late challenge, getting about as close to the ball as Fowler had done for the Black Stars goal.

As the half wore on, the Lions were getting themselves in to the game a little more, with Fred, Thomas and Christian playing some nice balls, although Christian’s crosses in lacked precision. In normal circumstances, your humble scribe could be persuaded to accept the excuse of a swirling wind, but in the interests of deflecting attention away from his own lack of competence in this game, instead would like to point out that the crosses were shite.

Panda was not getting any service, but continued running all the time looking for a through ball that could create a dangerous opportunity on the freshly cut field. Mirko, however, was not having the best of times in his midfield role, and was subbed out, Leonhard replacing him with some typical chasing and running of his own.

Around half way through the first half, Fowler then got lucky with his second howler of the game, trying to catch the ball with one finger, the Lions defensive team at full stretch to clear the ball to safety, the Black Stars thinking the game was in the bag. As the ball went off for a goal kick, Jaime approached the dejected Lions keeper and offered some words of advice and support, something along the lines of “get your fucking head in the fucking game you fuck.”

Morten at left back was playing a solid role, and played some nice balls out of defence, where Volker was able to pick up and distribute the ball forwards. Fred was fighting for every ball, and also made plenty of runs. Mirko was then brought back on as Clovis’ frustration started to show, TB bringing him off shortly before half time to calm him down, avoiding the acquisition of a second yellow. After all, with the Lions keeper playing a crap game, the last thing they needed was to be another man down.

The half wore on, and the Lions were pushing forward, keeping the ball out of harm’s way (i.e. anywhere near Fowler), and a nice combination between Fred, Christian and Thomas brought out a dive of Olympic pool standard by the Italian (not the Sicilian). Arms flailed in perfect synchronisation and some people reported a Taiwanese-esque “Ai” being shouted, the referee being completely sucked in by this disgusting show of acting. From the resulting free kick, just outside the Black Stars area, Volker hit a shot which lacked power, straight at the keeper.

The ref blew for a foul as a Black Star went in studs up against Jaime, Mao asking the ref extremely politely to watch for these dangerous tackles as it was not the first time that this had happened. The ref said he would keep an eye on things, probably just to shut the Lions keeper up.

As half time approached, the best move of the game culminated in a penalty for the Lions, a handball given as the ball deflected off the defender’s arm, the referee quite rightly giving the penalty. Class. Thomas then stepped up, placing the ball to the keeper’s left as the statuesque keeper was wrong footed. 1-1, and the Lions were back in it.

From kick off, the ref blew for half time.

The second half started with the Lions in ascendency, Christian this time delivering some nice crosses, and even weighted in a couple of nice corners. From one of them, Panda rose like a salmon but, like a man on his first trip to a go go bar, just couldn’t keep it down, and shot his load all over the bar.

The Lions pushed for a 2nd goal, but pushed perhaps a little too hard, and too far up, the Black Stars breaking and one ball evaded Jaime, and with 2 defenders trying desperately to reel in the attacker, a Black Star took a long shot. All Lions looked stunned, almost like a pregnant pause, as the ball headed goalwards. Given the lack of ability of their keeper so far, the players, onlookers and officials were all expecting 2-1, but Fowler had stayed big, indeed it is rumoured that during his week Down Under, he had increased in size. Fowler made the save, and the score stayed 1-1.

Panda and Thomas had another chance a little later on, Panda trying to find some space but not getting any as the Black Stars closed him down, some rather poor defending ending up with the ball being sliced out of play for another Lions corner.

Leonhard was working hard in the midfield, and made himself available at any opportunity, looking to spread the ball in to space. Fred, typically, was looking for the ball at all times as well, but was being marshalled, so found it difficult to get the space he needs for his free flowing game.

The game was becoming an end to end affair, and Fowler was called on to make a couple of saves, his second half performance hardly a joy to behold, but certainly a lot better than the first half. Not that it would be difficult to improve on.

Shortly after the Black Stars keeper injured himself trying to dive on the ball after going to his right, then making it left in what should have been a very easy shot to take in the first place. He wriggled on the ground for a few minutes before being replaced. This was not a game to watch if you wanted to see goalkeeping prowess.

With around 20 minutes gone, a shot hit Charles’ arm in the penalty area, the referee giving the penalty as the Black Stars appealed. Charles tried in vain to explain to the ref that it was a mistake to give such a call, but the ref was having none of it. Quite correctly in the opinion of your humble narrator.

At this point, Mora turned up, shouting out to Fowler words of support. Fowler at this time was strangely seen with a massive smile on his face. He knew exactly where it was going. The attacker placed the ball, the ref blew his whistle, the attacker shot to the keeper’s right, Fowler dived to his right. The score stayed 1-1.

This spurred on the Black Stars though, who thought they had a good chance of winning this game. The Lions were tiring, but the Black Stars had a back up squad of 11 subs, so they could keep fresh. Despite tiring, the Lions managed some decent attacks, although one incident needs to be regaled. As Panda went in to the box, chasing a pass, the Black Stars keeper picked up the ball, then dived in to Panda, looking for a foul. It was not given, the ball bounced clear, and Christian tried to retrieve the ball as the Black Stars keeper recovered, all players on the pitch looking in sheer disbelief at the play.

But the play was not all up the other end, the Black Stars managing to penetrate the Red Lions defence on a couple of occasions, Fowler being forced in to some saves, which in no way redeemed him from his howlers of the first half, but also at least did not result in any more goals. And from one shot, Fowler got the ball with his outstretched arm, whilst the Black Star attacker mistook his head for the ball, catching the Lions keeper firmly in the jaw. The ref saw it and gave a free kick. But – strangely – no yellow.

In the closing moments, it was the Lions who had the best opportunity, as an elusive break away gave the Lions a 3 on 1 attacking situation, with Panda passing the ball to Thomas who – instead of shooting – decided to pass to Mirko. Mirko was just running up as support, hoping to celebrate with Thomas for the goal, and thus was not expecting the ball to be passed. The German then placed a very poor, very weak shot on to the outside of the post. The statistics show that this was – despite being in an excellent position to score the winner – a shot off-target.

And that was it. After 8 minutes of injury time, the ref put everyone out of their misery, blew for full time, and a very even, if not slightly ill-tempered game came to an end.

Fowler is fined a round for the howler which led to the 1-0. Mirko is fined a round for bollocksing up his shot, and Thomas is fined a round for the outrageous dive.

The State has spoken.

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About Mao

Chairman Mao. The man who takes the Taipei Red Lions to new depths of corruption. Hands out more fines for more reasons than any man in history. Thinks he's a good keeper, but try sending in a cross for him to take. But he writes a mean match report. And even occasionally buys a round himself. And he keeps the Politburo in check.
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