For all those not heading to the seedy climes of Bangkok with the Red Lions this weekend, here is the write up in the tournament brochure. And for all those who wimped out at the last minute, leaving the Lions with a barebones squad, fined are quadrupled. The State has spoken!
Chairman Mao and other esteemed members of the Politburo are bringing the Taipei Red Lions to Bangkok for this annual sleaze fest that masquerades as a football tournament. It really is not something that Mao enjoys, but one does have to make sacrifices for the team, and therein lies the one key strength of the Red Lions: there is such a spirit inside that has developed over the last few years, that we are family.
So much so, that former Red Lion Chairman Tony Hewitt is flying in from Shanghai, and former defensive stalwart “Dancing Queen” George has told his wife he has urgent business to take care of, and is flying in from Los Angeles for the weekend.
Assuming all are sober and awake, or at the very least not completely incognisant of the fact that it is day time and there is football to be played, the Lions expect to field a full team (for once) comprising of:
Mao: Chairman, goalkeeper and loudmouth extra-ordinaire. If he disagrees with a referee he will attempt to use his power of veto. Unfortunately this works about as well as his Teflon gloves catch a football.
Andy Rooney: Minister of War, midfield supremo and all round master tactician. This will be his final appearance for the Lions as captain. Expect him not to go out without a serious fight.
Paddy O’Sullivan: Minister of Finance, Defender of the Realm and British Empire. As patriotic and loyal as they come, and also the team piss head. Has been saving himself for this tour since the last Bangkok tournament. I hope the city has stocked up with beer.
“Dancing Queen” George: Master of entertainment, you’ll find him dancing around the bars mere minutes before he kicks the crap out of an attacker. “I played the ball ref”. Yea – about 3 seconds after you scraped off the guys shin mucker.
Tony Hewitt: Former Red Lions chairman, central defender, known for his uncanny ability to score own goals. Also shoots a mean penalty. Someone had better reinforce those nets.
Volker “Ze German”: goalkeeper, midfielder, and highly efficient (what? You expected different?) player in the middle. But he prefers it on the right. Nothing can detract his attention from winning games, unless it’s his wife maxing his credit card.
Mirko “Messerschmitt” Messner: Defender of the Reich, and probably the only member of the squad not to have scored an OG against Mao. This is expected to change in Bangkok over the coming weekend.
Paul Hemingay: Beacon of a gay defensive full back. Not known for accepting a point of view other than his own, he is a man who speaks his mind. You’ll also hear it if he scores a goal. But he won’t.
Ralf “General Mladic” Zielinski: he’s not German – he’s a Yugoslavian war criminal, wanted by the International Courts for crimes against humanity. Accused internationally of breaking poor Bangkok girls hearts. And not just their hearts… it has been rumoured he once scored goals, although this has never been proven and there are no reliable witnesses left alive. All a part of his masterful cunning plan. Thank god the Lions are adopting an offensive midfield approach.